At first i wasnt going to publish this - It was of course first written for novelty use while on a holiday in 2005 from Australia through Alaska, Canada, Continental USA and Hawaii... eventually it ended up getting sent to friends... then their friends... then family.... then family friends.... the list just grew and grew. But when we arrived home no one actually cared about us being back - all they wanted was the conclusion of probably the worst piece of literature ever penned.
Now, two and a bit years on i am still getting requests - 'I heard you wrote a journal.....' or 'We never saw any pictures'.... or 'I once had a copy.. but i lost it... and then got another copy.... but then lost that too...'...
What makes it worse is i am about to set off on another pointless journey and i am getting no 'Where are you going' type questions.. instead i get 'will you be writing another diary.. and have you a copy of the old one that i can pass onto my wife's cousin's sister who has a friend that is married to this guy....'. You get the idea.
So, i have caved under the pressure - here i sit, typing more rubbish, about to publish 54 days of bitter twisted and slightly demented diary entries (all in one chunk to save me time) that were never meant for circulation. This was once half blogged somewhere - and there were even pictures attached.. but i have lost the address - deal with it.
While reading this time waster, please keep in mind that;
- it was written on a PDA while travelling in a car/airplane/boat/helicopter/space shuttle,
- i was very jetlagged,
- all the events written are indeed 100% true, and
- the two lovely ladies that were traveling with me had nothing to do with this...
I may attach pictures one day... but then again, i probably wont. I have good intentions though.
Depending on the outcry of obviously mentally deranged people calling for more trivial nonsense... I may also blog the last holiday - 'The mullets do Hawaii 06' or this up coming one 'The Hammer shatters the USA 07'
Enough of my gibbering... ill get posting now.
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Day 1 - 9 August
Well, this is the start of a big day...A 4.30 wakeup always sucks. The
flight to Sydney wasnt bad we got a cheap laugh out of Matt nearly missing
his plane. Went to check in at the international terminal only to find that
they had oversold the flight. Free upgrade to business class. Damn.
Skybed is the best thing on earth. Speaking of out of this world...I was
rudely awakened by the pilot apparently the space shuttle reentered near us
and it was clearly visible... Qantas wasnt nice enough to give us window
seats in business class so we missed it. I taught the inflight computer a
thing or two about checkers though.
14.5 hours later we were in LA and US immigration. Of course I got a hard
time coming through, I do look like a terrorist after all. Strange thing is
they are trying to traffic people coming in to LA....they dont realise that
it is a miserable little smog hole and the only thing keeping it going is
disneyland. No one would go there otherwise. I hate LA.
Onto a crappy 737 to vancouver. After waiting in the crummy transit lounge
with all the other pleb economy class travelers, filthy swine. Fell asleep
for a good 20 minutes (almost made up for the rude wakeup this morning).
Flew over Mt Hood and Mt St Helens on the way.
Tex the pilot finally landed in Canada. I think he was inspired by the
shuttle and tried not to use brakes on landing...Eh. 26.5 hours of travel
was fun. Vancouver airport was spectacular and Canadians seem to be
friendly. I have also proven my time travel plan.
Got a free upgrade at the hotel - not bad, out in the burbs but it only
takes 10 minutes on the skytrain into the city....eh.
Walked through gastown and had some yuppy italian for dinner. The waiter
told us about anti bear spray....Im still trying to find where to buy it.
Checked out Canada place and the observation tower thingy...but it was 7pm
and time for a sleep.
Day 2 - 10 August
Started the day down in canada place, where all the boats leave...Eh, pretty
dull start to the day.
It was decided last night that we were going us Grousse mountain and to the
Capilano suspension bridge but it looks like the mountain is covered by sea
fog and we are better off trying for tomorrow. I assume that sea fog is
worse than invisible fog because its harder to see through...eh.
We decided that we would pay for a two day trolley tour around Vancouver.
This trolley drives around downtown, over through stanley park and down to
granville island where we got off for lunch. Granville island must be the
only place here where there isnt a starbucks! I ended up having a nice
mexican feed. I think they used coffee beans rather than mexibeans.
We started getting tired so had to jump the trolley back into town. Being
forward thinkers we decided mid trip that rather than getting off in town we
would wait and hire a bike and cycle around Stanley Park - Clever
considering we were tired.
Turns out the cycle was great fun. We ended up in the middle of the park
feeding chickadees out of our hand looking for sqirrels and chasing
racoon....eh
Dinner for the night as in the Robson street area. The indian was ok, the
chocolate was brilliant.
Day 3 - 11 August
We slept in....well, it was going to happen.
We went over to the market area in the monring - I thought it was to catch
the sea bus. Turns out it was a shopping trip - damn jewellry!
The weather was a little clearer today so we decided to go to grouse
mountain.
The bridge was Ok. I saw it as an argument for compulsory sterilisation
rather than a tourist attraction. I hate kids. I was tempted to throw them
over the side but I was tired and it wouldnt have been fair to only throw
over one of the 17 000.....
Grousse mountain has a cable car that runs up the side of it. It was an ok
ride ride up but by the time we got to the summit (463.9 km above sea level)
I was well and truly over the day.
To make matters worse i didnt see any bears - I guess that is a good thing
considering I still havent found any bear spray!.
Day 4 - 12 August
Not much doing today - we boarded the cruise ship and ate heaps.
Hmm - lifeboat drill. Great.
Dinner was interesting...We were at a table of six. There were three of us,
a lesbian couple and the ship chaplain. I know it sounds like a joke... an
Australian, a lesbian and a priest walk onto a cruise ship...yadda yadda
yadd...those arent bouys...but its the truth.
Conversation was interesting...
After the five course dinner came the cocktail lounge. I was at first
disappointed with the lack of brain brown and tom cruise but they mad up for
it with classics like Angel in the Centrefold and Sexual Healing. im sure if
I hadnt called it a night after the first glass of rocket fuel i would have
heard some rick springfield.
Day 5 - 13 August
After a good 17 minute sleep last night I work to a spectacular view of the
inside passage....covered in thick sea fog. Yup - other than the ocean right
below our room you cant see a thing.
At least I have the room to myself...the girls are at some shopping thing -
i think learning how to spend more money.
Nope turns out they were mask shopping....Im apparently going to a
masquerade party at the brian brown bar...at least I may hear Rick
Springfield this time.
Got my mask for the brian brown tribute mask party - im going as a dragon -
this could be interesting....
I cant work out this boat, they have 43 000 restaurants, a gym, cocktail
bars, casino, shopping, a helipad and plenty of other cool things but i just
heard rick astley being piped through the PA in the bistro...why is the
music stuck in the 80s???
The fog has cleared and we have a great view....But its now so cold and
plenty windy...brrrrr!!!!
Formal dinner tonight, The lesbians didnt show so it was just us three and
the father so naturally we behaved until the final course....thats when
conversation turned to euthanasia...at first I was worried until he decided
to join us in the karaoke bar drinking cocktails with us.. How many people
can say they got drunk with a priest!?!?!?
Towards the end of the set a teenager decided to have a go at cyndi laupers
'girls just wanna have fun'...he didnt know any of the words....I can only suggest
that he spends more time in the buffet restaurant. Its only a matter of
time before they play it.
Day 6 - 14 August
Today we docked in Ketchikan. It looked like a quaint little fishing town
from the boat - very green with little wood houses.
We started off with a kayak trip around an island. We had a three seater
and I was volunteered to sit in the back and steer...I was stupid enough to
agree to this!! At first we sucked, I broke a foot rudder and we drifted
towards the rocks...great. By the end we were all over it. We saw plenty of
starfish, seals and a few bald eagles.
Annette told me to get a good look because it was the only bald eagle I will see...
I think she is still in denial about the fact that it is only a matter of time before she
sleeps with me....
We saw a few salmon jumping out of the water near our kayak, but really had
no idea how many there were, We ended up back int he middle of town and
walking up a small river...it stunk of dead fish. It wasnt until a little
later that we started noticing all the dead fish in the river...we also
started to notice the thousands of live salmon swimming and jumping
upstream...pretty cool, very smelly!
Day 7 - 15 August
Wow! A week already!
Spent the day in Skagway...this town has nothing.
We walked up the main street and saw nothing. Was going tacky souvenier shopping, found
nothing...but what do you expect when the town has a population of 400.
Went on a short walk to smugglers cover...I was hoping for pirates but got
nothing...Typical of skagway...Town has a great name though.
Went to Davidson glacier in the afternoon. Now that ive seen a glacier I
must say that I am mighty impressed! This thing was huge. The water around
the glacier was super cold too..apparently 1 degree above zero....
By the way.. I look mighty studly in gum boots and a life jacket.
The stupid mask party is tomorrow. The upside is that we have a 4.5 hour
hike in Juneau at 9am followed by a whirlwind tour of the town and then
whale watching at 5pm...Ièm betting that we will be too exhausted to do
anyting after.....hmmmm...
We went to see some weird dance show last night...it was ballet mixed with
dentistry...it was a slow and graceful pain.
Day 8 - 16 August
Woke up this morning to find the ship moored in Juneau (pronounced jew know)
and the thought of a 4.5 hour hike in front of me - followed by whale
watching and then a mask party.
First things first...the hike.
The mountains and land out here is beautiful. Very green, lots of trees and
moss, some eagles flying around and these huge amazing glaciers suspended in
valleys...it would be great to be at one with nature for the next few
hours....
If we hadnt been huddled with the little kids and stupid tourists we may
have been there... They broke the large group up so we didnt have the
little kids. Instead we had the senior citizens and a spitting texan.
The forest was dense and spectacular, dark and had lots of little streams.
More salmon swimming up stream to spawn... either these stunk more than the
last ones or I am no longer caught in the mystique of dead and decaying
fish.
After around two hours of walking, stopping and getting hit by walking
frames, we were at the top of a hill looking down to an ice filled lake, up
to mountains taller than Kosciusko and in front of the Mendenhall
glacier....awe inspiring!
The walk back would have been lovely if the oldies could walk without fear
of breaking their prosthetic limbs - I hear hip replacements are pretty
expensive in alaska...and the operation is performed by a seal....
where is the golf course??
Whale watching was pretty cool - the screaming children and tourists were a
bit much but the whales were awesome!
Day 9 - 17 August
In icy point strait today...not much ice really...considering this body of
water isnt straight either im thinking about suing for false advertising.
Im not thinking that I would get much...maybe a boat shed and a whale. I
dont have a boat and these whales suck (no free willy tricks) so its a lose
lose situation.
Caught a transfer into hoonah today. This place is actually kinda cool -
for a town that relies heavily on inbreeding. Apparently the name is spelt
huna but the post office changed it...phonetic spelling could only do the
place some good.
We saw some bears today!!! Just like big puppy dogs killing salmon I say!
There were two bears. They were brown bears and from what the guide said,
the male probably killed the females cubs to send her into heat again..
Nature is strange...We were around 100 metres from the bears... Not that
close but I still got some good photos of them playing and fishing!!!
Speaking of fishing...we passed over slamon spawning again today. We only
need one rancid stream in the world I say- I swear we were in a bus and I
still smelt it... damn salmon. Why dont more of them just give up early??
Just as we were about to go back to the ship we saw some orcas (killer
whales) near the cruise liner....
I guess so far we have been lucky wildlife wise....we have seen brown bears,
eagles, racoons, humpback whales, orcas, porpoises, wolves, squirrels and a
few stupid kids.
Oh - mask party result - too tired!!! no one went. Could almost see that
happening huh!?!? Now, what in the hell am I going to do with a stupid dragon
mask?
Day 10 - 18 August
This is the last day on the ship, thats ok though. Im pretty sre I have put
on enough fat to help me hibernate.
This morning we were at the hubbard glacier...more ice. The glacier was so
big that I couldnt get a full shot of it..the ship pulled up alongside it
and did some donuts so we could get a good look. It was constantly calving
and each time the giant chunks of ice hit the water it sounded like
thunder...awesome!!
When we finally left the glacier we headed out to sea - we are now crossing
the gulf of alaska. Its raining and the sea is very rocky... Annette is
currently very sea sick.
Gotta pack my bags as time is running out...we apparently disembark at
8.30am or some stupid time. The biggest question is where do I pack my
unused masquerade mask?
Day 11 - 19/8
We arrived in Seward sometime last nght...The cruise is over!!! Mainland
Alaska!!! No more days with 14 different meals and 2 different dessets per
meal!
We spent the day in downtown seward - very pretty place, little stores and
nowhere near as touristy as the other places we stopped. It seems the
further noth we travel the harder time we are having. No one understands
our accent!! Havent they heard of Steve Irwin?
The Alaska sea museum was ok. Saw some seals and tam fell in love with
puffins.
The evening cruise was simply spectacular!!! The pilot of the boat knew
exactly where to go.we ended up 20 metres from a humpback whale, we saw
puffins and eagles. At times the skies were white with all the gulls! There
were mountain goats and clack bears, some seals and sealions, a few
porpoises, otters and even calving glaciers to top it off...really cool!
11pm bedtime. Still light outside....scary!
Day 12 - 20 August
Today brings forth the biggest adventure yet...driving on the wrong side of
the road....
We went to pick up our midsize car and realised that there was no way we
could fit all our luggage in - let alone three unused masquerade masks..so
we did the american thing...we got a bigger car..A ford explorer to be
exact.
Tam has first drive and succeeded..It was to the local safeway store for
groceries..the girls did the right thing and went for the necessities -
milk, bread, water and cereal..I did the better thing and went for the box of
12 chocolate donuts, cheese crackers, double chocolate pop tarts and a
guitar magazine. I resisted the urge to buy canned cheese - will try that
later!
My turn to drive came about 100 miles out of seward - I had the drive through
anchorage - no real dramas, however I have to admit the girls did better. I
would imagine it was because they hardly know the road rules at home and
driving on the wrong side of the road isnt anything out of the ordinary.
We are driving to Denali national park - 17 of the USAs 20 highest
mountains are in Denali including Mount McKinley - the biggest and baddest
of them all... Halfway there the smoke from all the fires rolled in -
obscuring the mountains. Still, I am sure this place would normally be
superbly picturesque.
We are staying in cabins a little south of the park. The girls chose them
for their rustic charm and I cant complain as they have done a brilliant job
of organising so far.
I have been on holidays for twleve days and it wasnt until I got to Carlo
Creek that I realised what I forgot to bring - a spirit level...
I think I could make millions with one here, It is obvious that they didnt
have one when they built the cabins - I cant even explain how they built the
cabin with such slope.
We actually slept the wrong way round as when laying normally our feet were higher than our heads! Yes there was a very noticeable drop - over a metre and a bit!
Off to the park to book in a ranger guided tour. We saw an arctic squirrel
in our front yard - maybe the cabin was built by squirrels!
The ranger guided tour was booked out so we decided on a bus that would take
us out 4 and a half hours to a place called fish creek. We may actually see
moose!
Onto dinner - a very interesting experience - We asked what vegetables were with the mains.... 'Carrots' was the answer... and they couldnt have been more accurate.. carrot *and only carrots* were on the plate!
By the time I got back to squirrel cabin I was freezing cold and a shower was my
best way to warm up. This was the single scariest experience of my whole life. If
you can picture a large metal cube with a hole cut in the side with a
grinder you will start to see what I am facing. Add some rust and a broken
cold water tap and you are getting a full picture! I had a 30 second shower to warm
me up - why wasnt it longer you ask...because the molten like water wasnt
only giving me welts but it was melting the iron the lung type structure I
was showering in!
To bed at 11.30. Still sunny outside and no block out curtains. I should
remove the curtain from the shower - if it can take the heat from the shower
and not dissolve you could use it to sheild you from a nuclear blast - Woke
up at 4am and the sun was still there.
Day 13 - 21 August
The good news is that the smoke is gone. The bad news is that it must have
been dropped from the sky by the steady rain that has replaced it.
onto the bus for our trip into the park. 3 hours in we were at our second
stop. It is 4 degrees celcius and we are sheltered by the hill. I climbed
to the top of the hill only to catch the freezing wind. I swear it was
minus 1 million. Great views but my face turned numb within a second. Back
to the bus to admit my defeat.
20 minutes later the call came out - moose! Not only that, it was a male
with a full rack - awesome.
Then I saw it...in the clear - 17 miles away...If you squinted you could
only just see a white spec - his rack. Man these rangers get excited about
anything. Just as we were about to drive off the call came out - bear!! My
first grizzly bear sighting!! A mother and her two cubs. The same distance
away as the moose. Three specs playing on a hill. Cool but still a long way
off. They could well have been robots and I wouldnt be able to tell the
difference.
Finally arrived at fish creek and it was snowing heavily..time to turn
around...only 4.5 hours back.
This place is lovely , every now and then you can get a glimpse of these huge
snow capped peaks around us through the clouds. Its a shame the clouds are
so low.
The trip back was much of the same...sleet, rain and coldness - and a little
snooze. We were about 10 miles away from the final bus stop when the call
came up again...bear!
Meh..here we go again I though...then all of a sudden, maybe 10 metres away
a big grizzly bear stood up in the bushes.. wow is all I can really
say.....so close you could hear him and see all of his details
clearly...phenomenal!!! Got some great pics of him and really made the whole
trip...Nice!
Went to some shady pizza place for dinner. Just in case you werent sure
about me calling this place hicksville earlier, we asked the waitress if the
burgers came with fries, the reply was a classic - word for word "naw - we
dont got no deep fryer". Other than our brief encounter with the stock car
racing, gun toting, flea scratching, yokel calling, truck driving red neck
waitress nothing great - but that cheese pizza will serve me well.
Talkeetna tomorrow I think the plan is to do a walk in the morning to a
lake here called beaver lake. Apparently there are some moose and calves
there. I am calling it "the great rack and beaver search 2005".
A flight over McKinley tomorrow evening. Fingers crossed for clear weather.
Day 14 - 22 August
The sky has cleared and it was a magnificent day for the great rack and
beaver search 2005. We started at beaver lake. There were a few hare around
on the walk to beaver lake...no bears..when we finally got there we did see
some beaver way off in the distance but no moose anywhere.
We decided to head back to denali for some up close bear, beaver and rack
action (everyone knows these expeditions are best harelesss). we joined a
ranger walk to horseshoe lake for around 10 minutes.
Stinking kids... Im wondering if we can herd them all into LA. im not a
monster, im letting them have disneyland...and hollywood and south
central..Heck, I will even throw in compton. No good mutants.
We ended up leaving the group and searching by ourselves. I think we
somehow ended up in skagway again. We saw nothing - no rack, no hare, no
beaver.
Time to drive to Talkeetna.
Annette drove most of the trip and I finished off. There was no real drama
driving on the wrong side of the road. I think the two tricks to it are
make sure you are awake and dont listen to the others about how much
attention you are paying to the road. We are in a truck and partially
drugged up on no dose afterall.
I like talkeetna....well its my favourite hick stop yet. Apparently there
are 400 residents here and three quarters of them are bush pilots. I dont
know what the other quarter do but as I write this it is far to early and
cold to be nasty.
We have these superb cabins with running water, flushing toilets and level
floors. Its going to be great to shower with a fear of tinea rather than
a fear of tetnis. I have already earmarked this as my sleep catch up point.
For some reason Annette and myself keep getting asked if we are brother and
sister. At first I thought this was strange but around these parts I am
starting to think that they are all related so its a fair bet for them to
pick two random people and assume they are related.
The flight over mt mckinley was very cool. There were plenty of clouds but
we still saw a fair bit. It has been snowing there for the last two days and
as we were flying out it had just started to snow again. I may have missed
the snow back home in canberra but I have been in two snow showers in alaska.
Tam and Annette were worried about the flight. Annette ended up loving it.
Tam had to come home to change her undies after it. Remind me to check with
matt about who I go through to get a light plane license.
Dinner was at a pub-hotel. As we were leaving Annette swears she saw the
lady with the immense grasp on the english language from the pizza place. I
have a theory that it was just her twin sister, mother and aunt.
Tam fell asleep during dinner. I think she has picked up a new trick from
these arctic animals....hibernation. It was only 7pm.
Annette and myself took the truck into Talkeetna CBD to get some milk from
breakfast. The lady behind the counter was fairly nice until she mistook us
for kiwis and then gave us the "blimey, youre from down under....strewth!" I
think she has a problem telling the difference between pirates and convicts.
I mean when was the last time we said blimey...then again, we are in a town
where they are still eagerly awaiting the release of crocodile dundee so you
cant really blame them.
Back to tams hibernation den for a harty game of stud poker with
annette....Sorry lads, it wasnt strip..and thats a good thing - again I got
pasted.
Day 15 - 23 August
Downtown talkeetna has really turned the special weather on for us - grey,
miserable, raining - lovely!
The hibernating Tam (14 hours sleep) took the drive towards anchorage in the
rain. I think i speak from myself and hayes on this one - scary. Tam ended
up handing the wheel to Annette to guide us into anchorage. Great job too.
until we missed the turnoff and started heading out of town - hmmm.
Tam has come down sick so annette and I went to the basement to catch up on
some desperately needed card playing - there were washing machines there
too. After two weeks of no washing it was due.
I really need to learn how to play cards. Thrashed again.
I havent left the car or the hotel today so there isnt anything interesting
to talk about. I did notice that there are a lot of signs here - "drug free
shchool zones..."... At least i now know where not to score. I think they
should try changing them to`"gun free school zones".
its funny, in the hotel rooms here you get a copy of the bible and a copy of
hunting and trapping guidelines telling you where to hunt and how many pelts
you are allowed to keep.... did you know that if you trap a lynx with a
steel trap you must keep its left front leg attached until you seal it...
makes you think really....
Day 16 - 24/8
Anchorage - The whole state of alaska has around 670,000 people and 2/3 of
them live in Anchorage.
In theory this should be the place to keep busy and the place that need the
most time to explore. After yesterdays washing extravaganza one day may be
a push...
Tams cold still hasnt gone and now she has developed a rash (no... i didnt
give it to her...). It has been decided that it is best to take her to the
doctors to make sure she is Ok.
She is booked in at 2pm and we need to get there at 130 to fill out some
forms. This gives us enough time to get some lunch and get photos burned to
CD... Easy.
Anchorage is a great place from the inside of a doctors office.... lovely
big waiting rooms with fishtanks and even vacuumed floors...
80 mins later tam came out with the news that she was ok. We cant really
put a price on that kind of good news - Sadly, the doctors can.... $157 to
be exact.
Yes, thats right.... $157 to be told there was nothing wrong... not only
that, she didnt even see a doctor - just the nurse !!!
For $157 i want a stunning blonde personal physician that doubles as a
masseuse for the entire trip.... unbelievable..
We got back to downtown at around 430pm, just enough time to do some
souvineer shopping before a shuttle bus around the city.
The shuttle was a steal at $10 (16 shuttle bus tours = 1 doctors
appointment.). We saw another stinky salmon stream and an armada of float
planes.... still no bear, moose or beaver.
We managed to see all that counted here... the city is very much like
canberra, im sure it is very nice but you would have to leave the tourist
district to find that out - we just dont have the time to do it all !
Dinner was at some cafe whos claim to fame was that president clinton ate
there... i was expecting president burgers or patriotic fries but no such
luck... i ended up with grilled chicken and vegetables - the girls found a
bottle of australian wine and polished it off.
I think it was the wine thatled to the smooch that tam gave to annette and
im sure it was the wine that led to the smooch that annette gave to
me..... sadly i am talking about an alaskan after dinner mint, but you know
- gotta build the story somehow !
I did get a kiss from each of them but you will have to wait for the R rated
version for that story...
We went back to the room after dinner, our cab driver didnt know much
english but he did tell annette she was drunk.
I am a little concerned that annette is turning into paris hilton... When we
got back to the hotel she wanted the three of us pouting and posing for the
camera - the first 43 shots were amusing.... then she giggled, reviewed the
shots, deleted some and said we could take whatever shots we wanted and then
delete them, even slightly risqué ones, no one would ever find out..... Ok,
maybe concerned isnt the right word.
Of course we sat down before this, tam was sick, i was tired and annette was
getting all pouty and posey.... looking forward to vegas (leanne, maurice,
matt.... come on - you still have time !!).
Its the way i remember it anyway.
Day 17 - 25/8
Well, this brings to an end to the alaskan leg of the holiday,,,, today we
fly out to vancouver to start the wester canada leg of the trip - Eh.
First a trip to the postoffice to get rid of some unneeded junk - farewell
stupid dragon mask , you have served me well !! Best money i have ever
spent.
Now, what did i learn about alaska....
- Well, you dont need to head to the deep south to appreciate dueling banjos.
- We may have utes at home but really, our utes could fit in the glovebox of these monsters...
- Salmon spawning stinks.
- Bears may look like big puppy dogs but they have really, really big claws if you look closely.
- Hayes has a thing for the camera
- you can eat twice your body weight in pizza and icecream on a cruise.
- a doctor here makes more than anyone else in the whole world.
- and last but not least, a stupid thing to help me remember the different types of salmon... Dog, Sockeye, King, Silver and Pink... That bit of useless trivial information will stay with me forever... thank you Kevin Trudoux.
Day 18 - 26/8
First off, over the last week i have had a grand total of 15 minutes sleep,
last night was the last straw and had no sleep at all.... i may sound a
little bitter here.
We learned a valuable lesson in Alaska - A mid size car just aint gonna cut
it. today we are booked in to pick up our midsize and drive to Kamloops -
eh.
upon arrival to the alamo counter i set upon looking for what we can drive
that weighs greater than 8 metric tons. We had 3 choices.... a cadillac, a
dodge 4x4 or the mystery package... a chrysler pacifica. We took the latter.
On first viewing this thing looked like most north american cars - slightly
larger but still car sized.... that is untill we got closer than 14 miles of
it.... Eh, its a lot bigger close up !!
The similarities between this and USS Missouri are amazing... if the
pacifica floated and had a nifty grey paint job i dont think anyone could
tell the difference.
We managed to fit 3 full size cases with a combined weight of over 200lbs, 3
travel cases, 3 backpacks, a cooler and 3 shopping bags in the boot without
folding down the seats !!
The trip was kinda uneventful.... eh. I managed to eat my first bit of taco
bell in a little town called chilliwack - outstanding chicken quesadilla.
Then it was onto Kamloops.
Kamloops - Were not in kansas anymore...
You know, i have managed to find a positive thing to say about every place
we have been to so far.... LA has Disneyland, Hoonah had bears, Skagway had
a cool name, - even the rusty deathtrap that was carlo creek was kooky.... i
can not think about one thing that i like about Kamloops.
Picture driving through outback NSW when you come across a shady little town
in the middle of nowhere that likes rodeo and line dancing. make the town
population 80,000, Bury it in a pit with mountains surrounding it, take away
all the spirit, soul, trees, happyness and charm and then you have the
beginning of the swamp that is kamloops.
you would have more chance of finding life on mars.
As i sit here typing this, it is 27 degrees, no air con, the ceiling fan is
broken and its 1145 at night. I am actually 10 minutes off sleeping in USS
Missouri, at least i know there is room in that.... the downside is that
missouri is still moored in Kamloops. No good can come of this place.
We went to tourist information this afternoon to see what we could do
here.... i swear this is true. There were more brochures on Vancouver in
Kamloops than there were on Kamloops. We asked the lady behind the counter
what we could do here.... she told us plenty about what we could do while
driving to Jasper but had a hard time just telling us a nice place to eat
here..
It is so bad that there is a Junior cheerleading squad staying at our hotel
and that doesnt brighten up my outlook.
Id prefer to be at work.
In all seriousness.... I cant believe that the french conducted nuclear
testing at muroroa atol and they overlooked Kamloops. We should do nuclear
testing here. There would be no loss of human life, no effect on the
environment and no one could tell the difference between present day
Kamloops and a nuclear dessimated Kamloops.
Before we came here we had a hard time finding any information on this place
and now i know why.... anyone smart enough to read or write got the heck out
and and journo that came through just kept on going.
To take a line from spinal tap- it would just be a two word review.... Crap
loops.
Now i know what hell will be like.
Oh, Almost forgot... I nearly stacked USS Missouri on the was back from
dinner tonight. I looked right instead of left and almost wore a
corvette.... Hey i figure that if im going to hit something a corvette is a
good start. To Missouri's credit, it pulled out nicely and can be quite the
agile machine considering it is 14.6 miles long..... eh.
1230 and i am sitting on the bridge of missouri.... tired but closer to a
temperature in which human life can survive.
The upside is, it is impossible for jasper to be any worse.
Day 19 - 27/8
Funny thing happened last night.... Who would have thought that Missouri
would have had an alarm that sensed motion in the cabin.. when it is
activated the horn sounds, and the lights flash....
I spent the night inside.
I didnt mention this yesterday as it is trival and insignificant but Tam and
hayes were ragging on me for my map reading ability.... they marked it all
down as luck.
After yesterdays corvette encounter I relieved myself of pilot duty and
handed the helm to tam.
i took the backseat and let hayes navigate. After 5 minutes of driving we
had pulled over on the side of the road to check the maps again... after 10
minutes of sitting on the side of the road and statements like - Were
supposed to be on this road.... but it isnt here... i think we need to turn
around.... - after i helped out.... we were out of the thresh holds of hell
in 5 minutes.
The drive to Jasper was nice... we left the desert and headed back into th
mountains. It was a nice clear day and we had a great view of Mt Robson....
Tam wouldnt let me climb the big mountain ram monument though...
Jasper is a lovely place, i really like it, it has little cobblestone type
roads and beautiful mountains everywhere... i think this is my favorite spot
yet!
We checked into our hotel and quickly left again for a hike through maligne
canyon. Annette was driving and tam was navigating... it wasnt long before
we were on the freeway to edmonton (totaly wrong direction).
Of course the maps were to blame...... (off the record they were crummy
maps... and it only took a second for them to realise...).
The walk itself was great, i have decided that the squirrel is my favorite
animal. Still no bears, beaver or moose.
Dinner was a vegetable lasagne - i asked what was in it and was told pasta,
sauce and cheese.... no mushrooms.
And there wasnt - No mushroom had ever grown this big. It was a giant
mutant fungus. I am suprised that there hasnt been an anti terror campaign
assigned to this - it is afterall close to germ warfare.
I survived off the deep fried cheese i had for entree.
Day 20 - 28/8
Well time to leave Jasper and make the 280km trip to Banff along the
icefield parkway. plenty of stops to keep me amused.
Annette of course wanted to see lake Annette... Pretty dull place - much like
her. It was very clear, annette tried to tell us that it was pure like her,
tam suggested that it just haddent been touched for a while.
Back in the car to drive to the next stop - horse shoe lake.
a phenommianlly clear and deep lake... very peacefull until the redneck RVs
pulled up and the cowbows set up camp on it... time to move on.
Athabaska falls offered a great view of a large waterfall from a safe
concrete viewing platform. of course there were japanese tourists willing
to stand on the very edge for a louder and wetter view. we waited for one
to fall but alas, it didnt happen.
next stop, mountain goat view point. We haddnt seen any goats yet so we
were looking forward to this. after 5 minutes of looking we gave up and
returned to missouri dissapointed... 400m down the road we nearly ran over
three of them.
Sunwapta fall werte next on the map. another large waterfall. i stood for
a while hoping to see a japanese tourist floating past from athabasca
falls.... again it didnt happen.
We had a fair drive next to the athabasca glacier. this is supposed to be
one of the biggest glaciers in the columbia icefiels.
The trip was broken up 20mins in though due to a pack of baby big horn
sheep... again missouri handled the situation admirably (as did captain
annette).
Iceberg Dead Ahead !!
The athabasca glacier was no more than a tourist trap. i have seen more
impressive iceflows in my freezer - and its a frost free model. Maybe i had
been spoiled with the alaskan glaciers but really.... This was a poor
effort. you should be ashamed canada... eh.
Peyto lake was our first blue/green lake... it was a short stroll up a near
vertical cliff. the view was awesome though ! we ended up walking below
the platform for hoary marmots.
What is a marmot.... well, if you cross a squirrel with a wombat and give it
a shrill eagle like squeal you have a marmot.
I imagine the difference between a marmot and a hoary marmot is looser
morals.
it is now close to 7pm and we are still an hour and a half from banff so we
have to keep moving. a 280km tripp that takes more than 10 hours can be
worrying.
We are actually staying at canmore- 12km from banff.... nice place.
Day 21 - 29/8
Slept like a log on valium..... for 6 hours. Some idiot decided that it was
a good idea to get up at 6am to see lake louise at sunrise.
The Ipod had beencharged and we enjoyed a few big sing alongs to Aretha
Franklin and the bangles on the way.... despite tams requests there was no
wham.
I missed my sleep but it was woth it.... eh!
we didnt get the blue lake louise but is was totally mirror like... the
pictures will come out brilliantly!
Onto Morraine lake... as we were going into the turn off we noticed a few
cars parked on the side of the road... after the initial abuse we saw the
black bear just off missouris starboard side.. some sparkling video and
still camera work and we had successfully seen all major bears... Brown,
Black and Grizzly - Take that crocodile hunter.... eh !
moraine lake seemed to be a lot smaller and duller than lake louise so i
started to climb a large rock pile to the side... the higher i climbed the
bluer the lake became.. Tam and Annette yelled at me for climbing it... but
then Annette caved to peer pressure and climbed it too. Tam started to
follow but dropped her glasses and got crappy so she turned around.
Breakfast was adequate... canadian bacon tastes just like ours... eh.
A hike through the mountains was the after breakfast order.
I finally found some bear spray in a little store where you buywalking maps.
it is a super dooper type of capsicum spray and comes in a holster!!!!
i wasnt allowed to buy bear spray.
The hike was uneventful untill we got near the top and found a squirrel. As
i tried to get a photo of it, annette crouched and it curiously walked over
to her. Im not sure what she was trying to say - it is all a blur really...
but she was a little nervous about the squirrel. Thats when it lept onto
her lap and she freaked out yelling a large expletive.
Im not sure why, it was the most action she has had in years and it was a
pretty good looking rodent. Im not so sure she could have asked for more
really... maybe it was the horse droppings it was playing in before it used
her as a doormat that freaked her out... meh, who knows.
We reached the top after a good 1:45 of hiking... the view wasnt as great as
we would have hoped... but either way, we made it !
Just as we started our descent the weather started to roll in and it was
snowing on mount victoria... so we decided to head into banff to look around.
Thats when it started to rain... and rain it did. It was like a typhoon,
the streets all flooded and a few small dogs were washed down the drain.
there were a few japanese tourists perched on the edge of the gutter hoping
for a better photo but no one got swept in.... eh.
Nah, not really... it was just normal rain but plenty of it.
We retired to the hotel for around 4 hours of photo slides from the first
part of the holiday (you all have this to look forward to when we return).
Annette and i did the right thing and ate most of the chocolate - waste not
want not i say
What is 160lbs in Kgs ??? im getting a little worried.....
Day 22
Today we finish west canada and start the east.. cities instead of parks...
you know what they say - a change is as good as a holiday
first a drive to calgary to catch the plane.... Farewell missouri... you have
made us proud.
I finally sent some postcards today... best thing is they are photos annette
tam and myself took... if you were lucky enough to get one please trade and
share.. im thinking about quitting work and becoming a photographer..
hmm, didnt think about that very well... i sent the crappy glacier picture
to work.. damn.
The flight from calgary to toronto was rough... partly because i think the
pilot couldnt wait to get out of there and partly because we were on an
airbus - the pelican of the skies.. eh.. why is it that the only descent
commercial jets are made by boeing??
We are off to niagra falls tomorrow, we were just discussing the fact that
we have to get in the car at 830 - with the two hour time difference between
calgary and toronto that means that it is really 630 and a 5 oclock wake
up...
I said earlier that "we didnt think about that very well"... Tam corrected
me and stated that i didnt do any of the planning... and quite rightfully
so...
Because of this fact...... IT IS ALL THEIR FAULT !!!!! absolutly appaling
planning really. what were they thinking???? pathetic.
Day 22 - 31/8
Toronto - Well.... Up at 7am (5am if you didnt roll the clocks back... or
forward... whatever).
After the initial debate over the words to 'My highland goat' we went and
had wake up breakfast.. Vegemite on toast, OJ and choc chip muffins.
Since hurricane katrina hit the coast yesterday all the crud weather was
blowing up this way straight to niagra.
In short this meant the trip to the falls wasnt going to be pleasant.Tam got
on the phone and somehow managed to swap the tour to friday almost making up
for the nightmare planning in the first place... this only meant one thing.
it was an early morning for nothing..
Have i mentioned that we have decided to drop a day in sanfran and do
disneyland?? more on that later...
We decided to hit toronto on a loop tour bus... very much like sydney but
with less people.... eh!
My suitcase started to break on the rocky mountains leg so i had to get
another... so we went to the super mall to buy one... this place was huge.
since it took us 4 hours to find a lugguage store, we ate there too... i had
sweet and sour chicken balls. there was nothing sweet or sour about it...
it was chicken mcnuggets on fried rice... phht.
I got a new case. at $100 it was two thirds of tams doctors bill.... with
the exchange rate i could have bought two and it still would have been
cheaper.
The CN tower is the worlds highest freestanding observation deck - we went
up it and i kinda freaked out on the glass floor... Eh, but quite rightfully
so !
As we were wandering past rogers stadium we found out there was a game on
tonight - Toronto Blue Jays and Baltimore Oriols. Should be good even
though they are the laughing stock of the league... its kind of like
watching any soccer game when australia is involved... eh.
Toronto lost 7-0... eh, what do you expect... canadians should stick to
canadian sports like curling and ice hockey.. Poor game but it was still
very cool.
Day 23 - 1/9
Back to my staple diet - chocolate pop tarts and chocolate milk.... believe
it or not - its starting to lose its shine.
we decided at breakfast we would use the morning to workout the disney plan
and by 1pm we had one.... nothing was booked and we were hungry.... so we
were going to go to a hot dog vendor and then book.
on the way we stumbled across torontos biggest kept secret... $12 all you
can eat indian !! by the time i had finished i never wanted to eat indian
again... and then i stuffed two scoops of peppermint choc chip ontop.... and
then a scoop of chocolate... and a cherry.
We managed to drop a night in vegas and a day in sanfran and gain two days
at disneyland - IN EVERYONES FACES !!!
The down side is that it took all day to organise... bummer.
We are off to a show tonight called blue man group - a cross between
performance art and comedy with music in the middle.
As i was getting ready i found that the suitcase i bought yesterday ad a
tear in it.... brilliant.
The show was awesome - so good that the girls bought the DVD !! nice !
I also have a new project for when i get home.... i will need 400m of PVC
piping, some piping glue, drumsticks, a couple of microphones and a new
amp.... hmmm....
we caught the tram home just after the end of the second blue jays game....
they lost, again.
from what i understand the canadians have put in a proposal to play baseball
on ice, use a stick instead of a bat and a puck instead of a ball.... im
betting they would still lose.... eh.
Oh, i will need several litres of fluro paint for my project too.....
Day 24 - 2/9
Niagra today so it was an early morning.... no breakfast... just Oj.
The drive out was Ok, we were on a tour bus with two australians and a guy
from the UK. we ended up spending the day with the australians...
We went into a tunnel to the base of the falls, the poncho that came with
admission should have given me a clue, but it didnt. it wasnt until i
walked out onto the lower viewing tower that i decided my camera just wasnt
going to be any good - it was too wet... so i volunteered tams.
Of course looking like an idiot in the poncho didnt really worry me but i
must question it... i am head from toe in stupid plastic and i still got
wet.
Bring back the life vest and gumboots i say... at least they were a little
more flattering than the stupid yellow poncho.
Niagra 1 - Poncho 0.
we then caught the maid of the mist up under the falls... it takes you by
boat into the spray of the horse shoe falls.... another must need poncho
situation.
At least these ones werent yellow... they were blue... thats right... i
looked like a smurf.
so much water and wind that the lousy souvineer poncho not only didnt keep
you dry but made you flail about trying to keep whatever shred of plastic
you could find covering yourself.
off the record - i did punch someone in the mouth during this flail.
Niagra 2 - Ponchos 0.
Enough water, now it was time for the real assault to start....$24 hamburger
fries and salmon sandwich...
This burger was the single worst meal i have had yet - including mushrooms.
Niagra falls 3 - Poncho, stomach and colon 0
Back to pack for an early train tomorrow morning to ottawa (after exchanging
my bag at the wonder mall).
Day 25 3/9
Woke up at 6, out of bed at 630, in a cab at 650.
Train station at 710 for a 745 train...
Train station at 730 for a 745 train...
Train station at 745 for a 745 train...
Train station at 800 for a 745 train...
Train station at 815 for a 745 train...
Train station at 830 for a 745 train...
Train station at 845 for a 745 train...
9:00 finally on the train, good news is because of the delay, I get $50 off
my next trip from toronto to ottawa.... yay.
We just had an announcement that the train will be staionary for thirty
minutes.... good stuff. the train leaves an hour late and now we are sitting
here for 30 mins... who is running this!?!?!? i could have jogged there
faster.
Ottawa - we somehow travelled back in time.... its like canberra with
culture and cool architecture.
we checked into our b+b and took a walk into town... the hotdog stands are
spectacular!
Decided on a night cruise - on the way to the boat we found an all you can
eat indian restaraunt... i swore off indian after my binge eating there.
The cruise was kinda crummy but it was worth it for the one thing that
happened on the way home.... we stumbled across a skunk- but missed the
photo.. not since the great rack and beaver search 2005 has there been
excitement over an event... the 'eastern canada skunk hunt'. but that would
have to wait till tomorrow.
Day 26 - 4/9
On a hop on hop off tour again today, there doesnt seem like there is much to
do here - great city though.
the tour did two major things for us.... gave us windburn and pointed out
that we were missing out on canadas most underrated animal.... the ground
hog!
after a hot dog lunch we started tour de groundhog... the worlds only 72
hour cycle trip with the sole purpose of seeing groundhogs.
after 30 mins of cycling we came across out first hogs - they ran as soon as
they saw us... 407 miles later we came across another... after snapping a
few shots we decided the groundhog is actually the ugliest animal in the
wold and is nothing like punsetawni phil...
after we got the hog fix we had to make a decision... do we ride home, or,
since we are over halfway there, should we just ccle onto Quebec...due to a
lack of lugguage we turned back.
all up we cycled well over 4 hours round trip - all of it was uphill.....
maybe.
now, what do three people do after they have navigated the continent on a
pushbike and sworn off indian?? MEXICAN FOOD !!
I swore of mexican food for life today too...
home for a shower and then off to a light show at parliament followed by the
great skunk hunt.
The light show was clever but it could be summed up as simply 'Canada, we
rock'... i could only imagin the crap that we could have put on it if it were
'America, we rock'. Leslie Nielson got a mention though so it wasnt all
bad.....
I came up empty handed on the skunk... not moose, rack, beaver or skunk....
boooooo.
Day 27 - 5/9
Off to Qubec city today
Now i am ware that we are in french canada but it *IS STILL CANADA*!!
Bonjour, s'il vois plait excusez moi... je ne comrends pas.... au revoir.
Ive got nothing.... its like we have left canada and landed in the land that
time forgot. there are some spectacular old stone buildings and so much to
do.... probem is, i cant get further than 'bonjour' when talking to people !
looking stupid, pointing and nodding is now my form of comminication.
Spent the afternoon at the internet cafe sending this diary.... hey at least i dont have to
talk to people !
Day 28 - 6/9
Today we checked out the citadel.... its a fortified military base.... in
other words, a few buildings with a big stone wall around it so no one can
attack.
Impressive but during the tour we were told not to walk on - or lean on the
walls as they are brittle and old. Now really, if leaning on this wall can
cause damage... how will it help if someone attacks ??? look out.... that
giant wall is toppling over... it may cause some minor bruising...".
We jumped on another tour in the afternoon to the old city and jumped off to
eat some beaver.
seriously, i love beaver... i had chcolate covered beaver.. even the girls
ate a bit of beaver...
What part ??? the tail of course.. Beaver tails are a donut type thing -
about 20 cm long and smothered in hot chocolate sauce.. magic!
back at the apartment annette learned a phrase out of her learn to spek
french book.. i quote the translated version.. "kiss me, i want you, do you
like this?, i like that, i dont like that, stop!, dont stop, harder, faster,
slower, softer, oh yeah, thats great im coming, easy tiger, dont worry...
ill do it myself, that was amasing, great and weird...".
I think she now realises her missed opportunity with the squirrel and will
now go looking again.... i hope they speak french.. if not Pepe le Phew was
french and they have skunks around here.
Day 29 - 7/9
Today will forever be known as epilady day.... more on that later.
Still in quebec city and still struggling with french.. i had a great thought
though. i thought the only french i knew was out of a hasselhoff song... and
its not going to get me far saying - 'stay with me, moncherie, i love you'...
but i thought a little harder... back in the band we decided to name our
first e.p. 'Ne pas ovrir... risk de choc'. Still, im not getting anywere
saying 'Hello, do not open... risk of shock..'.
Another bike ride today, this time out to montery falls... normally this
would be a big wow thing but after niagra i may never wow water and gravity
again.
it was just after lunch time when we returned and i was faced with a large
decision... what should i have for lunch... there was only one real
answer... beaver tails !
the afternoon brought about much of the same... a bit of Dr Phil (everything
else is in french) and the internet cafe.
while watching Dr Phil the girls decided that they needed to epilady their
legs and i decided that i needed to give it a try... they ran it up my arm
and i decided that the pain was much the same as a mild electrocution - they
told me its because the more hair there is the more pain.
after the girls left the room to get ready for diner i decided that i would
put the more hair = more pain theory to the test..... my right shin was
looking particulary hairy..
it was as the epilady got close enough to vibrate the hairs i started to
wonder why i was doing this... three nano seconds later and the violent
machine had grabbed a large chunk of hair, not trimming or removing it, but it
somehow pulled itself right into my leg like a giant electric leach.. with REALLY sharp teeth...
It had only just reached the skin when the thing jammed... still gnawing away trying to rip skin from bone. the only thing left to do was pull the monster away.... with an eye watering
rip i removed the beast from my leg to find a nice 2x4cm area with no hair...
They were right - More hair does mean more pain..
Day 30 - 8/9
On a train to montreal today - the biggest french speking city outside of
france - but thats ok... Montreal is bi lingual so i can get away with
english here !!
Lunch was the east canada specialty Poutine... Poutine is fries coated in
gravy and cheese curds. Nothing special... What i dont get is, why not make
something as perfect as beaver tails the specialty ??
Eventually we decided to take a tour bus to see what we could do tomorrow
when it has stopped raining.... i fell asleep and mised the beaver tails
stand.
The halfway point of the tour was the old Olympic village where i decided
that i needed chocolate to wake up... 2 kit kats, a mars bar, a hot
chocolate and a packet of bubblegum later i was walking out... The lady
behind the counter looked up at me and smiled, i thought to myself that this
was my chance to look cool and cosmopolitan.....
I smiled back and said 'bonjour' as ileft..... 5 steps later i remembered
that 'bonjour' is hello.. Maybe i should have stuck with hasselhoff... at
least telling her 'i love you' doesnt mak it look like i have a learning
disability.
Day 31 - 9/9
Straight off we walked to a church called notredam... there were no bells and
no quazimoto - i was disillusioned.
My next problem is, is it right to charge an entrance fee to a church??? $5
at that?? and i didnt even get free soft drink or chocolate inside....
was spectacular inside though.
We then hopped the montreal subway to St Josephs Oratory... it was a
religious kind of a day really.
This place was built by a guy called brother andre... i dont know if his
soul was in it but his heart was.... literally... in a little glass jar for
all to see... creepy.
We went over to the chappel and looked throughthe glass - there was a statue
of st joseph there - from 100m and in full rope this guy looks uncannily
like obi wan kenobi - There was no light saber but i am sure he was just waiting to bust out at the empires attack - Be interesting to see how Darth got along with french really... i think the romantic language may have been lost on him..
We went to the biosphere and olympic village next.. after my poor french
and annettes great tranlation skills we gave her all foreign speaking duties.. as we
got to the counter a confused look crossed her face and she spilled ot...
"ummmm...... twa billets.... ummmm..... nineteen dollar". the guy behind
the counter smirked and asked in perfect english - "$19 for the tower or the
garden?".. Tam and i were in stiches and annette refused to do any more
translating for us!
Pretty dull day really.
This is the end of canada !
What did i learn ?? Well....
- Canadians dont say 'eh' as much as i thought...... eh.
- there is absolutely no way i could survive in france or any french speaking country.
- beaver tails rock.
- beavers in general rock.
- skunks are hard to find.
- the words skunk and hunt together is borderline offensive.
- poutine is highly over rated.
- getting up at 5am sucks.
- groundhogs are ugly.
- bears are cool - not being allowed to buy bear spray isnt.
- the blue jays should never be mistaken as a baseball team.. and
- west canada is better than east.
needless to say, i slept all the way to new york...
Ok, WELCOME TO FABULOUS NEW YORK CITY! we arrived at 730 and our room was ready...magic!
We dumped all of our bags and started the trek from times square (well, 49th
street) to soho... at around 32nd street we came across a shady little
electronics store (fell off the back of a truck shady). Hayes was offered a
new camcorder for $200 and we were offered a new laptop for $550... we went
next door to compare prices and then decided it was a bargain and would go
back and buy stuff... we ended up getting abused for not buying on the spot
and got crappy service... we left with nothing. however, i wont bore you
with the detail but the next 4 days were spent on and off looking for a
laptop..
Eventually we got to greenwich villiage - they have a saturday markets there
.. i was subjectd to these crappy markets for a couple of hours.. oh well,
it could be worse... i could have only had 4 hours sleep..... hang on....
Anyway, we ended up walking back up to midtown and did the empire state
building by the stairs - well, we climbed 6 floors by the stairs. nice
clearday so we were luky... i thought i may be able to find a beaver tail
stand from there... but there wasnt any.
we did times square that night and then went for our well earned sleep!
day 33 - 11/9
I thought this hotel was brilliant - until today.
we walked out of our hotel onto a closed 5th avenue... full of MORE FREAKING
MARKETS!
... meh. its all good... these ones werent as poor as the last and with the
9/11 services happening downtown it was probably the least crowded spot to
be!
Hard Rock for lunch and then the hop on hop off tours started. if you ever want
to see a city and are too lazy to walk these things are golden !!
we hae been telling hayes about the shady markets in battery park but
obviously missed the whole canal street area... this looked even shadier !!
Went for a night tour bus around 9pm... pretty cool but nothingout of the
ordinary... they had the towers of light turned on because of the 9/11
thing but thats it..
Day 34 - 12/9
full day today... caught the trolley uptown to see the uppersides and
harlem... the downtown loop is much better but thats ok -we had to do it !
Caught the bus back downtown to have a look through the shady area..
everything seemed ok until we asked if they had any rolexs.. suddenly the
little wooden cupboard opened up and it was all there.. for a second i
thought about getting a fake drivers licence but then i remembered that i
dont drink and cant drive on the wrong side of the road so a licence wasnt
going to help me.. We went to battery park afterwards and had the same
experience.. we asked for rolexs and had several watches wedged under our
noses... thena big at with bags... we said DVD - more suitcases came out..
In the end we walked out with a rolex, a gucci watch, two gucci bags, a
gucci wallet and 9 dvds all still in the cinema for $90... of course they are all
authentic.
We then caught the bus back up to chinatown to go vegan shoe shopping for
hayes... she didnt buy anything but tam did... i think its a ploy that they
have to allow tam to spend more money.
we decided to get dial in indian for dinner andwe were pretty hungry so we
ordered 4 mains for the three of us... the food came with 9 sets of
cutlery.... we may have ordered a bit to much... we ate till swe felt sick
and then put the rest in the fridge for tomorrow.
Day 34 - 13/9
we started the day by dropping off some laundry and the a stroll through
central park.
was trying to find strawberry fields but failed and gave up due to hunger.
we decided that we would have mexican for lunch and we saw a place near the
laundromat.
As we walked to our table we observed a cockroach scuttle across the
table.... i was happy to try the roach tacos but the girls werent.... i
think it was because they were vegetarian.
We had great plans to catch a cruise out to the statue of liberty so we
walked all the way to the base of manhattan (410km)... after we got there we
found out that the cruise wasnt running today.... so we walked home and
booked a night cruise.
Dinner? left over indian... still delicious... still plenty left !! we
actually threw out a heap of it because we ate so much we felt sick again..
the question is - could i have eaten more if it was in a buffet ??? the
answer - probably.
The night cruise was pretty cool, the downside was the narrator. He sounded
like the guy who sung the monster mash on valium... "tooooday...... aaas...
weee....round the tiiiip oooofff maaaann.... hattt.... taaaaann..
yooouu..... willlll... seeeeee.....". Meh, you get the idea.
Captains log.... star day 35 - 14/9
Thats for you strap.
Today the U.N. is sitting and the pres is in town so traffic is supposed to
be at a level 5 gridlock.. we caught a cab to battery park so we could catch
that ferry.. We left the building at 930 and drove so fast that we got
there at 920... you havent lived until you have done 55mph in a 35 zone with
fair traffic.... take that gridlock !!
We got out to the statue and i started thinking... how did the ghostbusters
manage to walk her all the way uptown to save danas baby from the evil vigo
in ghostbusters 2 ??? i mean, its a big walk and im pretty sure it would
have been a tight squeeze around the soho area... meh, who am i to argue
with history..
the rest of the day was spent packing... oh and watching anchorman on tv....
i reccomend it to all who havent seen it !! knights on columbus that hurt !
We went to see the lion king on broadway that night and i really must
complain here...
First off, there was no johnathon taylor thomas... straight away i felt
jibed.. i mean its like going to Aladdin and not seing gilbert 'yago the
parrot' gottfried.
then... to make matters worse - there were no real lions. it was just a
bunch of people dressed up as animals- but i wasnt buying their cheap lies.
i mean, to the trained eye you could even see the strings on the cheap
puppets.. the only thing that werent cheap were the tickets.
The last straw was... at the end the (alleged) father lion muffassa came
back from the dead for applause proving one of two things.... Either he
wasnt a real lion or he didnt die in that stampede.
In which case... was simba smoking payote when he saw muffassa in the sky??
is this the message we want to give to kids ??? its ok to pretend you are an
animal to escape drug charges... shady. you should be ashamed disney.
Actually, the show was brilliant, i just avent been able to sledge anything
in a few days so i was targetting this.... good bad or indifferent.
The whole holiday i have been getting major cred for travelling with two
girls from hotel staff, bus drivers, waiters and even other tourists....
while it does boost my ego i still cant score.
Day 36 - 15/9
off to washington dc today... we got a taxi out to the airport... the trip
in cost $45 so we expected the return to be around the same... we should
never assume. it ended up costing $95+tolls+tips.
thats two thirs of tams doctors bill.
at check in we got slugged $25 each for overweight bags.... maybe that rolex
is real gold after all...... hmm....
Washington DC - Canberra on Steroids !!
went to hard rock for lunch - outstanding !
we tried to work out what we would do with the rest of the day and decided
we would catch the tube out to the pentagon.
The pentagon - the largest office building in the world housing the american
department of defence... it has 5 separate rings to ensure security and is
recognised all over the world.
Whats it look like ?? well, prety much the same as any other brick
building..... from three feet away.
Imagine going to see a house, only seeing it from a metre away and then
having to describe it.... now, make the house the biggest office building in
the world..... yup - it looked like a wall... a damn big wall.
we caught the subway out, realised there was nothing to see so annette asked
a security guard where the best view was and where the best spot to take a
photo was.... He kindly pointed us to a sign three feet away that said no
photos.... ho hum.
Was it worth the $3 subway and the 30 min each way trip?? absolutely !!
sure, we saw nothing but boy we laughed !
The night tour was pretty cool... just like canberra... lots of staues and
munuments and stuff... and Hayes got yelled at by Big Al our slightly insane driver...
Day 37 - 16/9
Another trolley tour today... walked down to the whitehouse to catch it, went
to the washington memorial and then arlington cemetary to watch the changing
of the guard...
Im going to level with you all.... seriously... after the lesbians, priest,
rack, beaver, skunk and pentagon im fast running out of material.
I can tell you this though.... My stay in washington was totally bushless.
I didnt manage to see bush at the whitehouse, airport, monument, capitol
building or hotel room. a few shrubs, a couple of trees but no bush.
Day 38 - 17/9
Off to chicago today.. upon arrival i think i could like this city... we
wandered around for a little while and i figured i had a small odour
problem... turns out its just the sewers in the city... when the wind blows
the right way - phew !
Chicago is called the windy city... i thought it was because of the winds
coming off the great lakes.... now i just think everyone here has a
flatulence problem.
We took a walk up to the sears tower. We decided we should get it out of the
way as it was a clear day. The entrance fee was only half the price of the
CN tower - this was a bargain considering the CN tower experience lasted
about half and hour and the sears tower lasted about seven hours. Why seven
hours?? Well...first you had to line up for 30 minutes to go through the
security booth. Once you had cleared security you had to line up for thirty
minutes to get your ticket. Once you had your ticket you then had to wait
fifteen minutes to see the mandatory screening of 'Chicago...we rock! - the
new extended directors cut' movie.... After the movie we then had to line up
to go up the tower.... Eh it wasnt bad... i guess.
As a very wise man once said..... "anything is peacefull from 1363ft'......
Of course i am talking about ferris bueller.
after that it was pretty much dinner time. we wet to a place called navy
pier. navy pier is a wharf that goes out into lake michigan. i believe it
was built to try to get away from the chicago stench.... they failed.
Day 39 - 18/9
Chicago again... the first hour of the day was spent booking tickets to the
chicago blackhawks vs minnesota wild hockey game for tonight and the white
sox vs indians tomorrow.
We then utilised the lazy bus for a trip around chicago and took a boat ride
up the chicago river.
It was on one of these tours that we leaned the translation of the word
'Chicago'. it apparently means 'smelly onion'... i dont belive this to be
at all accurate.. an onion doesnt smell that bad. The chicago river is a
little stream thing that runs through the city - on the surface it looks
pretty nice.. turns out it was made back in the 1800s to take the sewerage
away from the city. they would just dump the raw waste into the river and
it would eventually make its way into the Mississippi and then the gulf of
mexico. of course a lot of the residents along the way werent very happy
with this and chicago had to dispose of thier waste some other way. i
think they now just pour it onto the streets.
went to a great lego store after lunch.... seriously cool. i wish i was
still a kid! suprisingly a lot of time was spent in the lego store.
as we were leaving hayes got attacked by a person trying to sell hand
lotion... it was more assault than a sales pitch... She ended up spending 15
minutes trying to tell this lady that she had to go, the lady literally held
onto her so she couldnt.... really, its a shame they dont speak french
here... hayes could have really let fly!
The ice hockey was kinda cool... they bill it as a rough game full of
fighting and hard checks.. and its true, there were a couple of hts and
some big checks against the glass... but really, these guys are soft. look at
the amount of padding they wear - it would be near impossible to build up
enough speed to actualy cause damage when punching someone. then they wear
these huge padded gloves so the puck wont hurt them...... seriously, it
would be like hitting someone with a pillow while they are wrapped in a
mattress.. pathetic.
The game was ok though... nothing super special.. chicago ended up winning
3-1... at least it didnt stink in the stadium..
Day 40 - 19/9
Today was a rather boring one...
we started this day with a walk over to buckingham fountain... of married
with children fame. nowhere near as exciting as i had hoped. We walked
down past the lake to the aquarium and had a look at all the pretty fishes
and then went shopping.
I think i have lost my sense of smell as the city doesnt seem as bad as it
did before.
We went to the baseball that night... it was a totally different experience
than in toronto - lots more yelling screaming and just plain baseball. The
indians won 7-6 and that was without Ricky Vaughn, Pedro Cerano, Jake Taylor
and Willy Mayes Hayes- i assume they were being rested.... Lou Brown was
coaching though.. maybe.
Day 41 - 20/9
We have out flight to vegas this morning... this wasnt fun as we had to get up at 445 to get ready
and i volunteered for first shower... i set my alarm and got up and had a shower as soon as it went
off... it wasnt until i had gotten dressed that the girls laughed at me and told me i had forgotten to reset my clock from washington... turns out it was actually 345am... i was not amused.
to make matters worse, as i was packing my suitcase i have found it is again broken.... im thinking about returning it to toronto to get a refund.... all i have to do is get to Ottawa and i can use my $50 voucher for the train.... yay.
The girls got up and got ready with an hours more sleep but thats ok... ill put that down to much needed beauty sleep.
The flight to vegas was pretty uneventful... i did watch mr and mrs smith... it isnt a patch on kicking and screaming... will ferrel should be in more movies - i think he is yet to make a bad one..
Vegas... In at 1130. We took our bags to the room and then to lunch...
By 1230 we were walking down the strip, the girls had yard glasses full of some fuel like substance and i was onto a third beer.
By 1pm the girls were sloshed and i had stopped drinking...
We made it to the venetian hotel where we took a gondola ride through the shopping centre and then walked back to the hotel around 7pm..
by 8pm Tam was on the spew and it was decided a night in could be good... especially after my 345am rise.
Day 42 - 21/9
We woke up, Tam was feeling better... hayes "had felt better".. I was fine - not drinking paid off again !
We are catching a helicopter out to the grand canyon today around lunch time so we had a couple hours to burn. We took a stroll through the Excalibur hotel and then onto the luxor and mandelay bay.
Annette and i started to critique all of the waitress' outfits... i believe mandelay bay ended up winning the poor taste award.... it was a delightful one piece gold swimsuit... absolute class. I think that it should turn into dinner wear... the one piece swimsuit and speedo... nice.
on the way back we passed a jester stand... the guy had to a) guess your age within two years, b) guess your weight within 2lbs or c) guess your birth month within two months... $10 later and he had guessed both tams and my age within a year.. i think he cheated... somehow.
The grand canyon helicopter was again pretty cool... we did less wowing the canyon and more ragging on a couple that decided to get married there... if you ever decide to get married and that a red wedding dress is a good idea - DO NOT invite hayes or tam.
We finished the day on the north end of the strip... winning stupid toys and riding roller coasters at circus circus, the view at the stratosphere tower and dinner at mgm.... the girls were drunk by the time we left circus circus.
Day 43 - 22/9
The girls decided that they wat to do a circus de soleil show tonight so we walked up to treasure island to buy them. after purchasing the tickets (and at 11am the stupid chocolate wheel called to us). Now the girls will try tell you that i was drunk because of the free drinks the waitress kept bringing us.. i maintain the fact that i wasnt drunk. it was the constant spinning of the wheel that made the room spin.... and spin...... and spin.....
The effects of the wheel wore off pretty quickly - well, after a good burrito feed for lunch it wore off quickly.. we then continued strolling down the strip.
We finished off the day at the Aladdin casino and shopping complex - really, just a posho looking shopping mall.. that has thunderstorms inside. typical las vegas excess really...
We decided to get dinner at the monte carlo and then i would walk the girls up to the show and catch a monorail back and loiter around the casino. dinner was ok but the service was crummy, it was because of the refusal to tip extra that i had a dollar note in my pocket. of course, on the way out i put the dollar into an electronic poker game.... somehow i got 4 nines.
Now, i have no idea what the odds are for four of a kind in a game of poker, but i do know it is greater than 12:1. Yup, four of a kind in vegas pays twelve stinking dollars. but hey, four of a kind is better than nothing and that twelve dollars would help recover some of the $270 that the chocolate wheel took from me after i entered a hypnotic like trance earlier in the day - and i still maintain it was the wheel not the free booze..... that suddenly doesnt seem so free....
As we were walking out i found another chocolate wheel. I will never see that twelve dollars again.
This also made the girls late for the show, but thats ok - i had people to meet so i went the other way.
After waiting at the airport for three hours for Matt, Leanne or Maurice to show up (we will be there... what are the dates again??) i decided that their flight must have been delayed and i was better off wandering the floors of MGM and New York New York by myself. Its not as exciting when you are by yourself, when there is no chocolate wheel or when you seem to be feeling a little lighter in the wallet thanks to some robbing from the guys at treasure island.. so after watching some poker i turned in early...... well, early in the morning.
Day 43 - 23/9
Last day in vegas, first things first... got up, packed the bags, and checked them. The flight to san fran wasnt till late tonight so we had the day to waste here !
Off to the monte carlo - home of the 12:1 four of a kind.... where the chocolate wheel took some more money from us. the upside to this is annette and tam made friends with the drink waiter and between the hours of 11am and 12:30pm they had each put away five cocktails. the downside to this was i had to drink aswell due to association... and the beer was kinda free...
1230 we went to hard rock cafe and joind the hard rock all access club. This card did cost $40 each but it gives us priority seating, a few cool pins and $30 off our next meal. We figured since we have eaten hard rock in New York, Washington and Vegas we would more than likely eat in Honolulu so it was a free meal!
1:30 and the alcohol had almost worn off the girls.. the wheel still had a very slight hold on me but not much... either way we called annettes mum and sung her happy birthday - with no shame. I dont know what calming drugs annettes mum was on, but she said it was a lovely rendition.... not one person could have said that with a straight face.... i have heard cats howling with more harmony. meh, ill take the compliment either way.
6 hours to kill... what to do? chocolate wheel at monte carlo !! at one stage i was up $190 and due to some superfluous blackjack work from tam she was up $130 - this would have almost covered her doctors bill.... We left with nothing.
The flight from Vegas to San Francisco was on another stinking airbus... but just to ease our mind the pilot came on just as we had all boarded and announced that the reason we were still at the gate is because they were having trouble with the hydraulics and they were just repairing them now.... along with the awesome clunks and bumps that the pelican of the skies makes it made it a fairly uncomfortable trip!!
We stayed in a crummy little room in sanfran but it was only one night and a trade off for disneyland so we didnt care !
Day 44 - 24/9
We woke up to a lovely morning in san francisco... however, we were only there for half an hour before the bus picked us up for yosemite. on the way we stopped for taco bell.. we ordered a chicken quesadilla, two 1/2 pound bean burritos, mexican potato, a coke and a taco and the grand total was $4.30. I love taco bell.
On the way to yosemite the driver announced that if we dont like heights it wasnt a good idea to look over the near vertical drop on our immediate right and that if we get scared we should just do what he does - close his eyes. he then proceeded to drive down this road at mach 3.
i have to say, tam driving from talkeetna... kinda scary. nearly stacking missouri... kinda scary. driving in french canada with no marking on the lanes... kinda scary. travelling faster than any man had travelled in level 5 gridlock in New York... kinda scary. driving down this road at mach 3 in a tour coach - FREAKING TERRIFYING! but its ok, if the driver got scared... he would just close his eyes.
Yosemite valley itself was pretty damn impressive. we could only see it from the floor but it was much more picturesque than the grand canyon and denali combined, the hundreds of photos that you will all have to endure are proof of this - there are allegedly bears here too !
after a little deliberation we decided on a short walk up to mirror lake. this is a small lake at the base of a huge cliff called half dome. the walk was lovely but we almost missed mirror lake.. it wasnt from a lack of looking.. it was from a lack of water. turns out Mirror lake is actually lovely bed of sand at the base of a huge cliff called half dome. meh, the cliff was impressive!
We went back to our lovely two bedroom loft apartment to stay then night.. well, we tried to go back... the 515 bus didnt show... its now getting dark and cold and we have no way of travelling the 15miles back to our room... anyway, long story short, one of the rangers gave us a lift at around 630...
This was the first we had seen of the yosemite mosquitos. i have a theory - and i am willing to say that it is better than my time travel plan that i proved earlier.. there arent any mosquitoes in yosemite... they are actually bears with wings. since we havent seen any bears without wings in yosemite no one can prove my theory wrong.
Day 45 - 25/9
Today we are doing a full tour of the park.. a trip along the floor to see el capitan and the sentinal were first... these are huge granite monoliths that climbers were on.. pretty cool.
after a quick drive through the forest we went up to glacier point... i am willing to say without a doubt the most spectacular view of the whole holiday. not only that - chipmunks !! little fast squirrels ! cool !
im not quite sure what we did after we got back on the bus at glacier point... i remember sitting down and eating a cookie... then i remember waking up at lunch time... i assume it was due to a lack of blood after the yosemite bears with wings got us last night.
lunch was a crummy hot dog - well, two crummy hotdogs... but they were only a quarter of the size of a normal dog so its all good.
after lunch we went to look at the giant saquoya trees.. yes, these trees were huge - ok, they were massive... but they were still trees. a few gum trees and some aquadhere glue and maybe a nail gun and i could create a great big tree too... well, maybe not me.. but someone with a lot of woodworking ability could. Actually, that someone with woodworking ability could probably wittle a one piece appartment block out of one of these trees... so i need to ask, why are we looking at these big 300 year old trees rather than cutting them down to house the homeless? its not like they havent led a long life anyway...what an amazing waste.
after the trees we pretty much just went back to our hotel and ate - oh and saw another racoon!
Day 46 - 26/6
Today we leave Yosemite... but not before we did a little more walking and wildlife searching.
It has taken 6 1/2 weeks AND I HAVE FINALLY SEEN A GREAT RACK !!! there was this blonde... no, really - we saw some mule deer in an open paddock with these huge racks,they were increadibly impressive and kind of scary... were they as scary as the bears?? yes - but they werent as scary as the bears wearing little wings. the mosquitoes tore up myself and tam pretty well.. annette seemed to miss their wrath, i would assume some of the vegas alcohol is still in her blood making the mosquitoes a little wary !
Did i mention.... DISNEYLAND TOMORROW !!!
first the drive back to sanfrancisco... it wasnt that bad actually... i slept for a little bit and ate some horrid takeaway... but all in all a painless trip.
Day 47 - 27/9
There was apparently an earthquake last night... i dont remember it though..
Disneyland today !!! hoorah !
First a trip through the san francisco international airport security.... after having the bags scanned and all of my poseesions pulled out of my bag and checked for bombs and after the sniffer machine test... well, after an hour of stringent security - we were on our way to the gates - not even that was going to dampen my spirits today !
while i sat at the gate and typed in this diary the lovely, beautiful and talented annette brought me a choc chip cookie - yes, i am slightly delerious at this point !
Los Angeles, what a beautiful city !!
Actually, true story here.. as we were flying into los angeles we could see the city below us but the smog was so thick you couldnt see any point on the horizon. on the shutle service to our hotel the driver tried told us that it wasnt smog but actually fog and they dont get smog in LA. Now, im no Doctor Fog - but i am sure that it is pretty rare for fog to be totally brown in colour and also very rare for fog to strech 360 degrees around us... but, the driver knows best... i mean, surely he wouldnt have such a respected job if he didnt have an increadebly high education... right??
DISNEYLAND !!!
Ok.. fist off, we went to the Indiana Jones ride... this ride was so much cooler than last time - also... no lines !!
Then onto the pirates of the carribean... not as good as i remember... but - no line !!
Then splash mountain - well, there was a 25 minute line so we got a fast pass and moved on over to rocky mountain railroad - again NO LINE !
rather than giving you the rundown of the next few hours i will list the order of rides... materhorn, splash mountain, space mountain, space mountain (yes, twice in a row!), splash mountain..
over to california adventure.. we did the wild mouse ride here - the big roller coaster was closed... i thought about going all clark w griswald but i didnt know where to buy a bb gun. we did a couple more rides at california adventure including a soaking on the white water rapids and a simulated soaring over california... off to buy mickey mouse ears to wear for the next day and a bit and return to disneyland..
we finished the day with two more rides on space mountain and another bash at splash mountain.. nice !
Day 48 - 28/9
More disney !!! hooray !!!
We got to disneyland when i had realised that i left the tickets at home... a brisk 45 minute jogback to the hotel in 400 degee heat (it was farenheit so you can see im not exagerating) and we were ready to go in
We started the day in Disneyland itself riding the stupid boat through a whale and seeing a cockingon green type miniature world.. but i wasnt bitter - even if it was the first line we stood in.. we then did splash mountain and space mountain again...
over to california adventure again to watch the muppets 3d thing and then go on the haunted mansion ride - its actually closer to a giant drop thing as opposed to a ghost house - but either way we had fun.
back over to disneyland and we spent the day riding the old classic kids rides... like whinnie the pooh, alice in wonderland, the tea cups and those type of things... oh, we also did splash mountain and space mountain again... a few times..
i love disneyland !
Day 49 - 29/9
Goodbye LA, we love you... almost.
We spent 2 1/2 hours in queues just tying to get to the security point at LAX... We did see pink there... well, to clarify... Tam and Annette saw pink - i wouldnt have been able to recognise her if she had a flashing neon sign that said 'Hi, i am Pink'.
The flight to Honolulu was pretty good.. we ended up watching 90% of wedding crashers on the laptop on the way.. its no anchorman but still pretty damn funny!
Hawaii - my first thought... very humid... but thats ok - we were only in Oahu for transit to the big island. We are going to the big island to see the volcanoes.. should be cool !
Hawaii- Kona - big Island... The island is just like a big black mess of volcanic stone.. its pretty cool - maybe just because it is different.
We hired another car - a chevrolet tail blazer... im thinking about importing one of these and entering it in monster truck shows at home... meh, seems like a lot of effort for a not very nice car..
Upon check in at our hotel we found out that there is a severe topical depression off the east coast of the island and there were flash flooding warnings... we didnt really care as we were only on this island for one day - and that was a helicopter ride !
Day 50 - 30/9
We drove out to the heliport at around 830... it took probably 55 minutes to get there, it would have only taken 45 if we haddnt gotten lost. Upon check in we found out the helicopter flights had been cancelled due to bad weather.
We didnt see the volcanoes.. well, not fom a helicopter anyway... after it was cancelled we decided to drive 8 hours to see them.... Well, we saw a couple of big circular holes that were old dormant craters and a lava tube.. and that was kinda the closest we got. Oh, we stood in the steam fields for a while too - i managed to get burned by the steam... it was suprisingly hot.
we did see the black sand beach on the way home, im not sure what i expected to see.... but it wasnt a beach - with powdery charcol coloured sand.. but, what should i expect with a name like 'Black Sand Beach'?
On the whole trip we didnt see any bad weather, a little shower on the far side of the island - but thats it... damn helicopter pilots - im sure they just wanted the day off. ive seen nam movies... they fly helicopters in rain.. its just a big lie !
For dinner we went to a luau (pronounced loo owww) i had pig for dinner.. not pork but pig... it was a whole pig cooked in an undergound pit - meh, had to try the taditional stuff too i guess, on the side of ground roasted pig i had poi. Poi is a traditional side dish thats mad by adding dirt, volcanic soot and salt water together - i have had more edible meals from mcdonalds.
the after dinner entertainment was provided by Larry Emdeur's long lost twin brother... but he sung, poorly.. so it may have been his evil twin. either way, it was a night of dancing and singing from the off key emdeur... i was enterained for a while.. then i started to sledge... did you know you need no rhythm, talent, ability or musical knowledge to play in a hawaiian band ?? you can even use a $10 ukulele and no one would notice.... top off the out of time, out of tune musice with the devil emdeur singing and it was worse than the ballet on the cruise.. It probably would have been more entertaining if they were wearing stupid dragon masks.
Kona was nice - but ive seen more volcanic action in a bowl of rice bubbles.
Day 51 - 1/10
Off to honolulu today... staying in the ritzy hilton... lovely !
free upgade to a new room with a view of the lagoon - everything is coming up Jackson!
Hawaii is awesome - its very topical... just like the pictures... so naturally this called for cocktails on the beach. The afternoon was pretty much spent hanging around the hotel and basically doing nothing....
Dinner was in some dirty little food court. the strangest thing about hawaii is that a lot of the places are all outdoors... there mmay be a roof but no walls anywhere... its like this everywhere.... Hotel receptions, airport baggage areas, bars, food courts, markets.. its strange !
Day 52 - 2/10
Just another day in paradise...
after my breakfast consisting of pretty much everything you can think of the girls went shopping, i got into some serious and extremly hardcore veging out on the balcony overlooking a lagoon and waikiki beach... its a hard life.
the afternoon consisted of a walk up waikiki beach towards diamond head and dinner in an outdoor eatery overlooking the beach.
It doesnt seem like there is much to report here - but thats because we arent doing anything !
Day 53 - 3/9 - final day
Well, the holiday is nearly over tomorrow - we are on a plane back to canberra.... Hawaii to Canberra.. doesnt really seem fair but you know.. gotta come home eventually!
but first we have the Oahu tour..
Yesterday we decided that we really should see some of oahu rather than lazing around the hotel all day, so we picked a tour that no one would go on because it avoided all the usual tourist traps...
It started off ok, we went through honolulu and up through the east shore, we saw some windsurfers in the small waves, a few guys snorkling on the reefs and a natural blowhole.... then the tour started to head south.
the brochure said we went looking for rare wildlife... im thinking whales, eagles, bears etc etc. he took us to a duckpond in the middle of suburbia where we sat for thirty minutes.. People, a duck is a duck... i dont care if one is rarer than another - its still a duck... and how exciting can a duck be ??? not very.
then we did the 400 plants that all look the same but none of them are very exciting part of the tour. i would have seen the same stuff with a pop up book in a nursury..... and i wouldnt have had to miss waikiki beach.
after the two hour drive back through the mountains the tour was nearly over... it was but far the least entertaining, informative tour we have done all holidays.. but we saw something that no one else would - and now we know why no one would see it..... because it was as exciting as carpet.
We finished up with a nice buffet dinner, a night time swim on waikiki beach and an alcoholic beverage overlooking the beach... not a bad way to end the holiday really.
Day 54 - 4/9
Well, we didnt get upgraded to business class on the way home but i held my own in three person ueka.. i finally learned how to beat hayes in cards.... cheat!
i also got pummeled by someone called Jess sitting in seat 57b at connect 4 on the inflight computer.... im just hoping she wasnt an 8 year old...
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Well, thank you for sticking around and reading this poor attempt at literature for the last few weeks... you all must have a high threshold for pain, misery, suffering and well, just plain sucky whinging!
Even though i did my best to sledge everyone and every thing on the holiday - i did have fun and wouldnt hesitate to do it all over again with the same two loveley people in tow.
Speaking for Tam and Annette... they would also like to do it again and found it an absolute honor to be hanging out with me for the last 54 days. i think i heard annette talking about how she has plans to move in with me but she has to finish the deck first.
The highlight of the trip - is alaska i highly reccomend it to everyone.. lovely place
Best Mexican meal - hands down to the ottawa mexican restaraunt... lovely food and overly generous portions
best indian - the little indian place on 47th st in new york.... we could still be eating the left overs if we didnt turf them.
best overall meal - beaver tails. no more needs to be said.
most unexpected thing - french canada... what is goin on there ??
funniest moment - while the pentagon was good.. and annettes ticket ordering was faultless.. i really think the pizza girl in alaska is the longest running laugh.. Hayes or Tam may be able to make a better call on that.
most dissapointing moment - the dodgy no good scum sucking helicopter pilots in Hawaii
scariest moment - USS Missouri vs Nameless Corvette... i still wake up screaming
And that just about does it for me... i can hear you all breath a sigh of relief... what next ??
well, if youre on this list you can almost be guaranteed of a pummeling of many thousands of photographs and if you are borderline psychotic we have 5 full video cassettes of the trip... well, minus the pentagon.
Last but not least - a huge thanks has to go to Tam and Annette who not only planned the trip to perfection but put up with the pointless (and sometimes partly made up) cheap shots of them in the diary that went to the masses... and their friends... and their friends..
And thats me, the roving reporter singing off...
Thanks, aloha and bonjour
Rick
ps. we have three hard rock cards that havent been used at all..... $90 credit on the next meal - another fine purchase.... anyone interested ?!?!?!?
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